Reviewed by Anne Wollenberg
Stars Patrick Muldoon, Clint Howard, Keegan Connor Tracy,
Will Sanderson, Michael Paré, Samantha Ferris | Written by Uwe Boll & Robert Dean Klein
UK certification 18 | UK RRP £12.99 | DVD Region 2 | Runtime 92 minutes | Directed by Uwe Boll
Ah, Uwe Boll. Famous for using his filmmaking endeavours to get tax relief (which is, in fairness, a completely legitimate use of the German tax shelter fund system), for making really, really bad videogame adaptations (House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark to name but two) and challenging critics to face him in the boxing ring (as well as making bitchy comments about their mothers). Boll’s cinematic excursions have been so well-received, there’s even a petition calling for him to retire. So it’s fair to say that anyone approaching this straight-to-DVD thriller won’t have high hopes, unless you’re one of the few Boll fans out there (and he does have some, as proved by the Long Live Uwe Boll petition).
The premise is fairly straightforward: screenwriter Matt Sullivan (Patrick Muldoon) struggles with flashbacks to a drink-driving accident five years ago in which he knocked over a young woman. His new girlfriend Dawn (Keegan Connor Tracy) wants to introduce him to her family, who live “deep in the forest” (as you do). The result? A very bad weekend indeed. Half-decent horror films have been founded on much shakier premises, and Blackwoods isn’t remote control-grabbingly awful. Nope, it’s much worse than that: it’s just plain boring. The script is flat, the acting’s ropey, the twist is utterly predictable and the music could be sold separately, in a toyshop, labelled My First Horror Film Soundtrack. Even the sex scene is rubbish (actually it’s a montage cut with some hospital scenes — how lovely).
This isn’t a heap of steaming shit, which is possibly a compliment when you consider the damning reviews Boll generally gets, but if that was the case it would at least be possible to feel like you’ve had some kind of experience after sitting through it. Instead, Blackwoods is just excruciatingly dull, though watching it could be an effective punishment for drunk-drivers (not because it’s a deterrent - it’s just a crap experience). And if Boll wants to come round and challenge us to a fight for saying that, he’s more than welcome - he’ll just have to wake us up first.
EXTRAS * There’s a trailer and ... that’s it. Probably a good thing, really.