Reviewed by Stuart O'Connor & Neil Davey
Stars Paris "I Can Suck a Golfball Through a Hosepipe" Hilton, Joel "I Could Have Played Shaggy
in Scooby Doo" Moore, Christine "I'm Not Ugly in Real Life, Honest" Lakin | Written by Heidi Ferrer
UK certification 12 | UK RRP £15.99 | DVD Region 2 | Runtime 87 minutes | Directed by Tom Putnam
Just what the hell is Paris Hilton playing at? Why does she even want to be in movies? As an actress she sucks — but hey, we already knew that. And the movie itself, like its leading lady, blows ... with a plot that is pretty hard to swallow. Rumour has it she has spent so much time in prison that she is working as a consultant on a remake of The Shawshank Redemption. And we don't want it to sound like we think Paris should go back to porn — but we do, so that's how it comes across.
Alright, enough Paris jokes. For now. What about the film? Well, if you're prepared to waste your hard-earned cash buying or renting this humourless drivel, and 90 minutes of your life, then I would have to say go for it. Otherwise, stay away. Please. While it's certainly not as awful as Norbit, say, or even Meet the Spartans (which is the new nadir by which bad films are judged), it doesn't even rate as a wait-for-it-to-come-to-TV movie. The plot is minimal and unoriginal. Loser Nate (Moore) still has a crush on his childhood sweetheart, Cristabel (Hilton). He heads back to LA to pursue her, only to find that she won't even think about going out with him unless he can set up her ugly best friend on a date. Of course, when you meet "the nottie" — aka June (Lakin) — you just KNOW that by the end of the film, she is going to be the hot one. And, of course, she is. And she and loser Nate end up together. Which makes this film just so wrong in so many ways. For a start, it implies that ugly guys the world over actually have a chance with hot women, which ugly guys like me just know isn't true. And it's one big, free advert for cosmetic dentists and plastic surgeons everywhere. Yes girls, the message is that unless you're a total stunner, your life is not worth living. Kill yourselves now.
But its two biggest faults are that it just isn't funny, and Paris Hilton herself. Oh yes, back to her. Have we mentioned how completely and utterly lacking in talent she is? Remarkably, for someone who's entertained so many men on her back, she fails miserably when she's on her feet. And as bad as she is, it's nice to see her showing something other than flesh on camera. But seriously, as we asked earlier, why is she even bothering trying to be an actress ... is her career in a rut?
EXTRAS None. Not even an apology.