End of a Gun review

I loves me some Steven Seagal. Ever since he asked the question that has plagued man for eons, “What does it take to change the essence of a man” in his magnus opus, On Deadly Ground (the answer was time) I have been a disciple of the Dao of Steve.

I’ve followed Steven Seagal through all his ups and downs. I have witnessed his caterpillar like metamorphosis from an Aikido master pretending to be Italian to a fatter Aikido master pretending to be an African American Louisiana pimp-cop. Steve Seagal is an infinite gift – he is an ouroboros of joy.

Lord Steve’s promises of joy everlasting continue in his latest effort End of a Gun; a crime caper which tries to emulate the style of way more competent and stylish movies like Ocean’s Eleven. Former “Sugababe” Jade Ewan (can you be a Sugababe after all the original members have left?) stars as his sultry co-star.

One day, Seagal is randomly walking through a car park in France and sees a heavy slapping his missus (Jade Ewan) around. He steps in, of course, and ends up shooting old mister slap-and-tickle in the head. For some reason, which I didn’t pay much attention to, he isn’t jailed for murder and ends up hanging out with his old mate Jean (Ovidiu Niculescu), a French cop. I say France but actually it’s Romania with a little bit of French b-roll salt bae’d in, you know, for seasoning.

What happens next is gold. There are so many dumb events in this movie that just made my nonsense-glands pulsate with joy. The sex scene between Jade Ewan and Seagal is hilarious, mostly because any time Steven Seagal has to touch her they swap her out for completely different woman. I’m not surprised Jade doesn’t want the big mac-daddy rubbing his greasy mitts all over her. Some of his lines, which I have to assume are adlibbed, made my vagina crust-over and fall off and I’m a man… I almost died from laughter when after a successful heist he leans over and says in his weird ‘African American’ style accent, “Now you owe me some good pussy,” hawt… 

Hey guys, maybe you can help answer this but when did Seagal become a southern Baptist preacher-pimp? He just slimes around the whole movie like a fat white and sleazy version of Morpheus with his spray-painted hair and orange cool-man glasses. I’m not complaining though because it made me laugh, a lot.

It’s also cursed with a common blight that infects these low-grade action movies, it has way too much music. The score barely ever stops and it’s terrible. Trills of music swell in for no reason, the tone changes so obviously as the plot thickens. Please just stop and let me live. I don’t need string synths to tell me how to feel. 

The movie as a whole is mostly… eh. To give it a micron of credit, there are seeds of an okay movie in here; some of the performances aren’t actually all that bad, especially Florin Piersic Jr as the primary antagonist, Gage; some of the action scenes are passable, particularly the finale, and the story gets semi interesting at the end.

I actually had fun watching this burning dumpster fire but I’m not going to look into your beautiful eyes and those plump kissable lips and tell you that this is a good movie. I find you way too attractive to lie to you like that. This is a terrible movie that I thoroughly enjoyed.

EXTRAS: There are a few sound options and a scene selection and little else. If you're looking for extras, look elsewhere.

Daniel Akinbola is a Screenjabber contributor

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