Review by Stuart O'Connor
Stars Dougray Scott, Claire Forlani, Simon Callow, Michelle Ryan, Peter Bowles, Nikki Leigh Scott, Gordon Ramsay, Lee Boardman, Cheri Lunghi, Joshua Bowman
Written by James Hacking
Certification UK 15
Runtime 89 minutes
Directed by James Hacking
What we have here is a foodie-based rom-com that's about as original, and as appetising, as the menu at a McDonald's or a KFC. And the end result is about as palatable, too. Love's Kitchen feels like it's been made from a script that was chewed up, digested and vomited out by some kind of rom-com-generating robot ... and the result is not pretty at all. Plus, it smells.
The by-the-numbers plot concerns one Rob Haley (Scott), a London-based chef who's grief-stricken when his lovely French wife is killed in a car accident. After a couple of years of moping, and producing sub-standard food – and getting the awful reviews to prove it – Rob gets a kick up the arse from good buddy Gordon Ramsay (played by the multimedia megastar himself) and decides to buy a little pub in the country and start over. Of course, while checking out the pub he's got his eye on, he meets American food critic Kate Templeton (Forlani) ... and it's hate at first sight. So you just KNOW what's going to happen, don't you? Even though we're only 15 MINUTES into the film, you just KNOW that they are going to follow the Rules of The Rom-Com, and Rob and Kate will be a disgustingly loved-up couple by the time the credits roll.
Of course, they do. And the journey as they wend their way to that formulaic conclusion is about as enjoyable as the food poisoning you get after eating a bad oyster (or, in my case, any oyster whatsoever). One has to ask what went wrong here? It's got a decent cast, full of some of the UK's best and brightest acting talent. Plus Forlani (yes, I know she's British, but she does a fine American accent). Oh, and minus Ramsay – he proves once and for all that he really should not give up his day job. But then he's rich, so he probably doesn't give a fuck what the rest of us think of his acting talent (or the complete and utter lack of it). No, what's happened here is that a terrible script was written and then filmed – and both despicable acts were committed by the same man, who should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.
Yes, James Hacking, I'm talking about you. I mean, seriously, how could you write lines such as: "It's not about schmoozing with celebrities; it's about cooking real food with real heart." Or: "I don't do pretentious, I do real food with real heart." And this: "I'm not interested in imortality, I just want to feed people." Or even this: "Change the record, darling – you haven't had a hit for years." And not just write them; how could you then ask actual actors – and professional actors at that – to actually mouth those words? And how could you actually film such mawkish, cringeworthy scenes as having a widower place a mobile phone in front of the urn containing his wife's ashes ... and then sit in front of it, as if he expects the damned thing to actually ring?
This film, I'm afraid to report, has nothing to recommend it whatsoever. There are no laughs to be had, and even foodies will be disappointed by the cuisine that's on offer. There is nothing here that will appeal to even the most jaded of palates. Love's Kitchen is nothing but a kitchen nightmare.