Quite why Hollywood is still churning out movies for teenage boys is a mystery. They don't pay to see films any more as they merely choose to download them for free. Immortals is geared squarely for them. It's another stylised skirts-and-sandals actioner along the lines of Zack Snyder's 300. There's much carnage and bloodletting along with a pedestrian script and cardboard characters.
The plot has something to do with the Epirus Bow. This magical weapon can foil opponents with abandon. Villainous Hyperion (a mumbling Rourke) lays waste to most of ancient Greece in his quest for it. The Gods led by Zeus (Evans) look down with alarm. They're all powerful but refuse to become involved in human affairs. But plucky peasant Theseus (Cavill) will try to fight the dastardly despot, especially as the baddie is responsible for his good mother's death. He and a streetwise slave (Dorff) lead a ragbag team that must track down the bow and avenge themselves upon Hyperion. They're aided by pretty but pallid visionary Pinto, a priestess that can foretell the future. Eventually however, the Gods decide to intervene.
Cue acrobatic slayings and limbs being hacked off with balletic precision. It's all done in 3D against a very obvious CGI backdrop. The images are indeed painterly if nothing else. It's never engaging however. The performances are one-note and the script clunky, though the dialogue is dull enough to avoid unintentional laughs. Pity, as here they would have been welcome.
It's a tedious escapade with a heavy homo-erotic element. There are lots of six packs on display and the Gods are done up with such camp finery that one can only wonder in amazement. Like director Tarsem's previous efforts, The Cell and The Fall, it's visually arresting but devoid of nourishment. The imagery fails to be backed up with a strong story. Immortals feels derivative too. For all the sound and fury depicted there is no excitement or suspense. One is never involved in the proceedings or cares a hoot for the protagonists. Don't bother. The target audience won't so why should anyone else?
EXTRAS ★★½ Alternate opening and closing scenes; eight deleted scenes; the featurette It's No Myth; the featurette Carravaggio Fight Club; an excerpt from the Immortals: Gods & Heroes comic book.