Real Outlaws: Special Edition (DVD)

After half an hour of this alarmist tripe, I had to switch off the DVD player and go take a shower — I felt that dirty. Presented by "actor" Alan Ford (Snatch, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels) with a vocabulary as filthy as the "criminal scum" he's frothing at the mouth about, this documentary purports the tell the story of "a Britain in crisis, a Britain whose streets are out of control, overrun with teenage thugs and street gangs". Right. It must be that OTHER Britain then, because the one I'm currently living in is nowhere near the Hell on Earth this nasty little piece of Daily Mail-esque propoganda makes it out to be. In fact, this documentary paints a Britain that is not far removed from the one seen in the film 28 Weeks Later. Furious Ford rants about all the hoodies, gangs and violent little happy-slappers that now control the country and that we all need to be arming ourselves against. Sure thing, Al; as soon as I actually SEE any — and I live in central London — I'll let you know, sunshine.

Then there's an interview with a former nightclub bouncer from Liverpool. And after listening to the garbage coming out of this tosser's mouth, all I can say is that I'm glad he's no longer in the business. "I've got to be honest with you, if you're a doorman for 10 years and you haven't picked up an offence for something you're either crap at your job or you're hiding by the toilets all the time. You're bound to, it comes with the territory." UM ... OK ... so he's saying that bouncers can't control disruptive elements without breaking the law? I find that pretty hard to believe. Anyway, this twat — who also says that he reckons the police aren't doing their job properly! — is one of the reasons I no longer go to nightclubs. The show is padded out with grainy CCTV footage and pixellated video from cameraphones ... and much of the footage is repeated over and over and over, throwing huge buckets of water on their theory that there are untold thousands of horrid, violent little bastards on the loose out there. It's a nasty, pointless DVD. Avoid.

EXTRAS This so-called "special edition" has absolutely no extras.

Stuart O'Connor is the Managing Editor of Screenjabber, the movie review website he co-founded with Neil Davey far too many years ago. He likes all genres, as long as the film is good (although he does enjoy the occasional bad "guilty pleasure"), and drinks way too much coffee.

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