This was such a hard review to write, mostly because this movie is kind of bleh. I’ve deleted three reviews worth of quips and amazing, life-affirming prose. Trust me, some of this stuff was gold but in the end, there isn’t much worth saying about Wish Upon.
Even describing what happens is an exercise in frustration but I'll try regardless. Clare (Joey King) is embarrassed by her father, Jonathan (Ryan Phillippe). He spends most of his time dumpster-diving with his best mate (Kevin Hanchard) and failing to sell any of the garbage he finds. One day while rooting around in the trash, where he belongs, Jonathan finds an ancient Chinese music-box and decides to give this evil accursed object to his daughter.
After a series of embarrassing school-yard moments, serendipity causes Clare to make a wish while holding the aforementioned Chinese box o’ sins. The next day at school, Clare notices her wish has come true. Could it be a coincidence? No. After a few more cheeky wishes, she starts to realise that there is a price to pay – a deadly price!
And then she keeps making more wishes because she is a self-centred arsehole, which I guess is kind of the point…
That said, Clare doesn’t care about anything other than herself, which results in me not caring about her, her lame dad, her #zany friend Meredith (Sydney Park) or anything that happens to anyone in this movie with the exception of Ryan (Ki Hong Lee) – he is the one character that doesn’t suck.
This is a Fisher-Price horror movie and as such will probably be a decent date-night for horny 15-year-olds who want somewhere dark and secluded to kiss for 90 minutes or so.
There is nothing scary about Wish Upon, so if you are looking for actual “horror” you might want to look elsewhere. It's more like a feature length episode of Nickelodeon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark. In fact, that is an unfair comparison to the excellent Are You Afraid of the Dark, it’s more like Goosebumps, which is straight trash. Yeah, I said it.
If you are a genuine horror fan, this will be a watered-down mishmash of ideas you have seen in other, more original, horror movies. It might be worth a rental or a watch on a streaming service but anyone who has a full crotch of pubes should probably skip this.