A Guide To The 86th Annual Academy Awards

By Hannah Smith

The Annual Academy awards or Oscars, as they are also known*, is an awards ceremony in Hollywood where all the most famous and rich people get together, throw pretty clothes on and pat themselves on the back.**

So, what's different about the 86th Annual Academy Awards?
It's not the 85th Annual academy awards.

Who hosted?
Ellen Degeneres

Big Nominations?
Basically, Gravity is the only film that happened in the past year, so let's just pretend the others didn't happen. (SPOILER ALERT ... oh, sorry, I should have put that at the beginning.)

Gravity. Gravity. Gravity. Gravity. Gravity. Gravity. Gravity. Erm...Gravity. Aids. Gravity. Gravity. Slaves. And Twitter.

Jared Leto's hair.

Low Lights?

Reasons to watch it?
Just in case the Academy did the unthinkable and gave Leonardo DiCaprio an award.

Best Dressed?
Lupita Nyong'o and Jared Leto's hair.

Biggest Fuck-up?
John Travolta announcing Idina Menzel as: "The wickedly talented, one and only, Adele Mazim." ... Erm, who?

Funniest Moment?
Was actually over at the Guardian courtesy of @stuheritage who had to drink Gravy tea every time Gravity won.

Biggest Case of a Person Thinking a Standing Ovation was for Them?
Bette Midler after an appalling performance of Wind Beneath My Wings, which was sung as the dead famous peoples faces were shown behind her. She thought the ovation was for her when it was in fact for Philip Seymour Hoffman and his other dead friends. Although ... her voice was probably part of the 'dead' montage so maybe it was for her.

Best Impression of Helen Mirren?
Cate Blanchett during her acceptance speech ... darling.

The Greatest Meryl Streep of the Oscars?
Meryl Streep, of course. Idiot.

Most Scientifically Accurate Speech?
Matthew McConaughey.

Most Ridiculous Hero?
Matthew McConaughey, whose hero is himself in 10 years' time.

Most Godly Speech?
Matthew McConaughey.

Speech Where a Dead Dad is Impersonated in Heaven?
Matthew McConaughey.

Most Disappointing Rreminder that he is Matthew McConaughey and not his Character in Dallas Buyers Club?
Matthew McConaughey.

What were people wearing?

Fashion notes?
The White Suit was sported by everyone, even cool people like ... erm ... Ryan Seacrest and Pharrel's wife.

Any other key moments?
The adverts

Lesson we all learnt?
Jennifer Lawrence should not wear heels.

Message for the filmmakers of 2014?
Space sells. So make a film about that Canadian singing astronaut and get Bowie to play him.

Best Looking Mum of the Night?
Jared Leto's mother, which is quite frankly, unsurprising. MILF.

Fastest Pizza Eater?
Harrison Ford. What? Don't ask ... it was one of the lame jokes running through the show.

So what happens now?
Well, the winners get a few weeks of being asked to do every blockbuster under the sun, then they disappear and we forget they existed until next year when they present an award. That girl from Precious even made a presenting appearance. Which was nice.

* Oscar is the name of the gold statuette that winners take home ... I think ...

** As long as your name is not Leonardo DiCaprio, because if it is, no-one will ever pat you on the back.

Stuart O'Connor is the Managing Editor of Screenjabber, the movie review website he co-founded with Neil Davey far too many years ago. He likes all genres, as long as the film is good (although he does enjoy the occasional bad "guilty pleasure"), and drinks way too much coffee.

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